...my sad day...

so friday night i was a mess and couldn't stop thinking about how horrible the next day would be for me and my family. in case you never read my depressing and sad blog posts (sorry i don't mean to be a debbie downer but i can't get around it for what my family and i are going through)

we lost my dear sweet brother on september 11, 2008

and it has shaken my family to the core. i used to think his birthday would be the hardest day but let me just tell you on top of the everyday sadness the anniversary date is the worst by far. there is nothing to celebrate that day other than remembering the horrible things that happened that day.

warning this may get graphic and detailed but i want it to be "raw" so to speak because one thing my family has taken from this is our views on life and how people say all the time to cherish every minute that you have with loved ones, and that family should always come first, but as awful as it is i don't think that anyone can quite grasp this concept until someone is taken from you but i know my brother would want us to share his story so that everyone can learn from it, not just us.

my brother went to the doctor after being sick on August 24th 2008. they thought he had a serious case of pnemoniua but we would spend the next 2 1/2 weeks at Primary Childrens going through a "living hell" that i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. such a sad place to be seeing your loved one suffer and also so many sick kids.

cam was diagnosed with microscopic polyangitis, a vasculitis auto immune disease. this was beyond rare, auto immune diseases usually affect woman and is even more rare in children. with this disease cam's body would attack itself instead of fighting off sickness, in his case it would cause his blood vessels to swell and seep blood. this caused his lungs to fill with blood to the point where he could not breathe on his own and was put on life support.

i will never forget the day that cam came out of his induced coma a bit to be able to communicate to us before he passed, he had a tube in his mouth so he couldnt talk but we could ask him questions and he would respond by raising an eye brow once or twice, although he kept trying to talk and i would give anything to know what he was trying to tell us (i have my assumptions as to what that is).

the night we lost cam is seared into my brain forever, i have nightmares about it. watching someone you love and someone you grew up protecting die right before you is beyond traumatizing. i will never forget falling and hitting my head and screaming and throwing my shoes down the hall or having to call dustin to tell him the news. it is so bad i can't even drive up 4th south in salt lake or i feel like i will throw up. i will never get used to him not being here in person but i find peace knowing he is with me and i have my very own guardian angel.

so on this day for the rest of my life i will cry and be and emotional wreck. but i am so grateful to have my husband there for me and my parents, i seriously do not know what i would do without them. they mean everything in the world to me. this all has given me a new appreciation for the gospel and the church, if it weren't for faith in knowing we are an enternal family and will be together again some day i wouldn't be able to get out of bed each day. and knowing how blessed we are that heavenly father trusted our family with such a sweet and special spirit that he did all he came here to do in 13 short years, and heavenly father had bigger and better plans that he needed cam for back home.

we took cam flowers as a family and then went to eat cam's favorite food that night...steak of course. it was nice being with the people i love and remembering cam.

i have always been extremely close to my family, which is something i cherish everyday especially not having any regrets with cam's passing. there are no should have or could have's because we did everything together! i know my friends get frustrated with me because dustin and i don't come around or go out as much as we used too, but it's because i always want to be with him and my parents, i have severe anxiety that it might be my last opportunity and i don't want to miss a single minute. but i hope you all know that i do still love ya, but please be patient

with me until i can semi function on a normal level. (:

sorry for the sad sad post, but it did have a purpose. it is my hope that after reading our story you will all cherish every minute with your loved ones and as awful as it sounds really consider your life without them here. don't sweat the small stuff it is small for a reason. money and materialistic things are not anything to get upset over, i really could live in my 18 foot trailer with my husband, parents, and our 6 dogs and be as happy as ever. you don't bring anything here and you really can't take anything back so live life to the fullest and have fun!

thanks for reading our blog!